L.I.F.E Happens (Living In Formidable Existence)

   Today Kayelle is seeing her counselor again. I appreciate the staff in the doctor's office becauae they genuinely seem concernes about this impasse. Everyone says how sweet she is and they seem just as puzzled as Keith and I are.      Because Kayelle began to become depressed about being at home every day and in her words having no friends because she's not at school, we decided to give day care another try. We found a center ten minutes from the house. I explained to the two directora and two teachers who would have the most interaction with her what the circumstances were and what had occurred at Corporate Kids.      Sometimes I feel like a broken record. Often I feel as if people are not understanding the depth of what I'm explaining. The staff was polite, but I feel like they already knew that it was something they didnt feel like dealing with and once an opportunity presented itself they would wash their hands.      The first week Kayelle started at the new day c

     Sitting here watching the movie Stepmom starring Susan Sarandon and Julia Roberts and the tears began to fall. I think about my own mom's short battle with cancer and all the experiences I wish she was here to share with me as I figure out this journey called motherhood.       Two months and a day after finding out we were pregnant with Kayelle, we received the call that my mother was no longer with us. Just a day earlier my mother and I were on the phone discussing her plans to move into our apartment building so she could be closer to us and help with the baby. Her goal was to be our full-time babysitter and when Kayelle was old enough our home school teacher.      Watching Susan and Julia's characters conflict over the relationships each wanted to have with the children reminded me of some of the contention I encountered over the years as a stepmother of six. After eighteen years, I had hoped the pain of those circumstances would have disappeared. However, ever-so-o

     Since the situation with Kayelle at her day care, a number of times its been said to me "Well, the teacher was fired, so Kayelle should be okay now." Only people who know child psychology or have had children who have experienced trauma can understand that it is not always that simple. I have vivid memories of my childhood that I wish I could escape. Many of them from as young as two years old: Being thrown down a flight of stairs, my mother leaving a pot of boiling water on the transom of the front door for fear my father would return after a violent fight, and having my hair grabbed and shook back and forth like a rag doll, among many incidents.      I learned very early on that it was best to keep these horrors to myself. I recall when I was a little girl the first time ever sharing one of  my traumatic tales of being thrown down the stairs with a friend and her older teen sister. I was mistaken in believing that they would have empathy for me. Instead they laughed.

     Today I found myself crying again and I absolutely  hate it. There was a time in my life that I was so much more resilient. So much stronger than my circumstances. But since my mother died in  2013 I realize it is taking longer for me to bounce back from the stresses of life. Not that I do not want to get up and go, but my body is physically rejecting the notion. In my mind I'm like the little engine that could. I keep telling myself "You can do this. Let's go!" The best way I have been able to explain it to people is like being in a fog and watching things happen around you and wanting to participate, but something has a hold on you. On occasion, I get sick to my stomach. I can't focus.        Earlier this week I read a meme: People don't want to hear about your trials until you have overcome them. It was like someone stabbed me in the heart. This is practically how I have lived most of my life. Giving my testimony after my trials were over. I was in

   When you have worked since you were sixteen years old, on multiple occasions two jobs simultaneously, it's very difficult to sit at home and do nothing. It's just not in my DNA. Growing up, I watched my mom hustle to make ends meet and her constant resiliency when faced with adversity motivated me.       So, what do I do now that I am not working outside the home? I continue to do what I do best. I'm a publisher. I'm a human resource professional. I'm an advocate for empowering teen girls and young women. I'm a pageant Director.  I'm an editor. I am a proofreader. All of these which I enjoy. Many of these I have done without being properly compensated or compensated at all.        Going forward, I am making my services available at a nominal fee. I have provided a list below of what I have provided in the past.  Proofreading: Proofreading is the lightest form of editing. Minor errors are corrected. Minor errors include: Errors of grammar and st

     Keith's job allowed him to work for two days from home. I had enough time accrued and took a day off after he returned to work. All the while making phone call after phone call to schools, churches, day cares, and summer programs to no avail. They didn't have any openings for her age so close to the closing of the school year and the start of summer. Thankful I didn't have to endure this process alone, but still growing hopeless.      On Thursday May 31, I text my supervisor to explain what was happening and I asked if it would be possible for me to bring Kayelle with me to work the next day because I was only scheduled to work three hours that day. As a human resource professional for the state, I still had obligations to attend to make sure people were paid on time, receiving their benefits, and completing time sensitive transactions. I received a response a few hours later giving the okay. I figured she would have to contact our HR Manager and HR Director before g